just having too much thoughts up there to handle that i've decided to pen it down here..
for the past 17+ years i live.. have i been what i wanna be.. or simply just living for people? looking back.. i havent exactly change much.. since young.. i always listen to people and end up getting bullied.. well.. let me think.. i was being whacked by my K2 classmates with my ruler as i gave them my ruler.. am i asking for it? when in primary sch.. well.. primary 1.. i hang out with the BIGGER people.. or so they claim.. kind of the ah lians in the making of it.. i was the smallest size.. and i hang out with them.. there's once they asked me to jump into my sch pond.. was on the verge of it when the school bell rescued me.. but then.. i stopped hanging out with them soon.. as there's a pri4 senior who always invite me to be around her.. and when i was leaving the school.. she cried.. i din feel anything.. then came to a new school.. i wasnt very much bullied.. because i was always around people who the others will be scare off.. like the bengs in the making of it.. then came to primary 5 and primary 6 when i myself became the ah lian in the making of it.. it went to the climax when i was sec1 and sec2.. everything came to a stop when i felt the Lord wonderful presence.. and everything changed from then on.. but one thing remains the same.. that is me.. living a life for others and not for myself.. why is this so?
it seems as if i'm hiding behind my shadow.. no one can see me do anything.. because i am hiding behind my shadow.. all they can see is my shadow and later drop the idea that there's someone behind that shadow.. why do i put myself through all these? when i see injustice.. i am suppose to stand up for it.. but i never once did.. why? i guess it boils down to insecurities.. i've been holding oh so tightly to these insecurities within me.. why oh why do i have to do this and put myself through all these rubbish? i've God.. and he's there for me.. which i should have no fear at all.. God seen through my insecurities and place wonderful people around me.. but yet i think again.. i've always succumb to the devil's lies.. time and time again.. i bet he's rejoicing down below.. succumb to the lies of how useless i am.. to the lies that the blessing i get is not what is for me..
my oh my.. ever met the world's dumbest person? well.. hey.. you're reading her blog at this very minute.. am i that weak in my spiritual life?
oh lord.. it was never my want to succumb to the devil's insert.. it was never my want to put you aside.. but oh lord.. i'm human.. and i admit to you at this very point.. i'm weak.. i'm useless.. i'm nothing without you.. really.. oh lord.. i WANT to see the world in your point of view.. i WANT to see everything in your point of view.. i dont want to be seeing nothing.. seeing things that are blocked.. i want to get a bird-eye view.. oh lord.. i'm so glad and so happy that after all these years of me running away from reality.. thinking i can do what i want to do with my own strength.. you still.. never one time.. give up on me.. you send angels down to be placed around me.. to guide me.. to teach me.. to love me.. oh lord.. i'm crying out to you.. i dont want to live a life under my shadow.. under people's shadow.. i want people to see AMANDA HENG.. people to see that AMANDA HENG is not living her own life.. but living a life belonging to you.. oh lord.. you said ".. seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added onto you.." oh lord.. teach me to be focus just on you.. teach me how to be a light shining JUST FOR YOU.. teach me to be the girl.. your daughter.. the life you want me to live.. oh lord.. i claim that i believe in you.. and so.. i want to live the life that is GOD-CENTERED.. no more am i living a life that puts myself first.. oh lord.. just strengthen me.. teach me how to see the world's life and death in your point of view.. and lord.. let me feel your exceeding love power.. let hypocrisy ceased living in me at this point of time.. let this change you're about to make it happen in me be a change forever.. once again lord.. sorry for hurting you time and time again.. and thank you lord.. for your never changing love for me.. in your son's most precious name i pray.. Amen