hmm.. service for tonights(thurs) was not bad.. i think maybe God is speaking to me.. because there's one verse that speaks to me.. its John 16:33 " I have told you these things, so that in me you may find peace. In this world you may have trouble. But take heart! i have overcome the world" what a powerful verse.. but still.. we never did learn the lesson of letting go..
there's so many things i wanna let go.. let go of the broken friendships.. let go of the pains.. let go of the trouble.. let go of the compassion i have on things.. i'm too weak to handle all these.. and i guess.. maybe i'm lost in my journey already.. i need to find my way back.. back to where things were simple..
i bet when God created the world.. it was so simple.. and yes.. how cliche it might sound.. simplicity is a beauty too.. and yes.. i love simple things.. simple things shows you more things.. but in the world where the fallen angel had done much destruction.. he had created it into a place filled with evil thoughts.. people become selfish..
hmm.. though i dont brood.. but sometimes it just comes to you how much you mean to your friends.. and yes.. sometimes i do feel i mean nothing to them.. i feel i mean nothing to everyone.. because i aint oh so eloquent.. i aint smart.. and i do not excel in anything.. maybe i'm just inferior.. and so i find my joy in people who matters to me.. whenever they're happy.. i will be happy.. but i think i've placed my focus all wrongly.. it shouldnt be that case.. it should be just focusing on God.. but how many times must i drill this thought to my mind..
sometimes you might feel why am i oh so mushy about my words like i miss you and stuff.. because seeing people around me dying.. i do not want to leave this world without letting my feelings known.. maybe i've love the people too much.. i guess in a conflict management thing.. i always choose avoidance... i do not like to go heads on with people.. and so i give in.. is it to my advantage or not.. it doesnt matter anymore.. because like what i say.. i feel i aint important.. of cause i know i'm important to God.. but.. my faith hasnt reach to that high of a standard.. you know.. i wonder.. how my pastor.. my cell leader.. they can remain so steadfast in their faith.. they have held so tightly.. and they have so much joy.. is it just a show or they really are like that.. because i want to be like them.. yes.. i want to have that kind of a faith.. i want it so badly..
you know.. i'm changing so much in my perspective of life.. that i think its kindda scary for me.. i have no courage to face the future working society i'm about to enter.. faith.. is it really blind faith afterall? can all these things be real.. it seems so fake now.. i feel myself floating.. into another dimension.. i can never feel real anymore.. i want to meet God now.. and it reminds me of the show-Bruce Almighty.. how cool is it to be able to meet God.. my gosh.. i will never let go.. trust me.. never..
well.. life is a journey.. and in this journey.. its lesson learnt after lesson learnt.. when will we stop repeating the same lesson? are there true love on this earth besides God's love for us? i have lost all confidence in it.. just as i have lost confidence in myself.. maybe its time to pray more.. and to read the bible more.. maybe i should set my piroirities right.. maybe its time to realise the real world we're living.. and maybe through all this.. i can maybe find some love and some confidence.. well.. Maybe