Happy once again.. hmmm. i'm back to blog again. just feel like blogging. woosh. i'm still thanking God man. like totally. i think i'm childish. very. haha. i'm actually trying to say mr TAN(sa) is childish. muahaha. ok not funny.
alright. the past few days without God is really horrible feeling. being extremely emotionally draining. and also physically draining(because i'm sick). there was really a spiritual warfare i was facing up there. knowing that certain behaviour is wrong i was contemplating whether to behave this way or not. and i gave in. i felt horrible. nope. the guilt havent seep in at that point. rather, the anger in me, its like never ending. i actually typed out lots of vulgarities(deleted it after awhile) indulge in sleeping, watch tv for long hours. But, that anger still lingers. i had this anger and hatred for close to 3full days. imagine that. Don't ask me angry about what, hate who. Because, basically every single thing made me angry, anyone made me hate them. i refuse to msg and find someone to talk to, as i was afraid of hurting anyone. and of cause, i ran away from God. when guilt came, it was again wiped off with anger. i really believe i am in need of some help. but, i lack to courage to pick up the phone to call anyone. and i don't consult in my parents and sister because there's some miscommunication we might create, or rather i might create. So i decided to blog(my previous entry 27 april 05).
i actually felt much better after i blogged. i actually emptied my head from all thoughts. Corrin came and talk to me regarding my entry and i was like ok what do you have to say. i listen(read) and i was ok, let's see how things goes. back to my normal routine of watching tv. and i slowly felt better. am relieved. but there's this something that stop me from seeking God although i very much want to find Him again. until i received something from fel. i was like strucked by something larx. fel's sms was really powerful(at least to me).
i did my qt after close to a week later. and what can i say, returning to His presence is the best thing that could happen to anyone. i felt great. the bottom part is what i felt the moment i have digest whatever fel sent. woosh. i feel good. =) [this part of entry is done 28/04, 238hrs] You* make me smile again..
its barely 24 hours, and i learnt that smiling is so easy suddenly. God really amaze me in many many ways. This time round, he uses you* to teach me and tell me and encourage me on how to do and go about it. ".. ask the Lord to direct your steps and bless you wth understanding. Challenge him to accomplish his will, and challenge your faiths in stepping out! :) have a paroxysm.." i was extremely shocked when i received this powerful sms. because, you* did not read my latest entry. God indeed spoke to me through you*.. amazed amazed amazed.
my heart's fire and passion was again lighted up. oh my gosh. you can never imagine this is happening. he really aint letting go of me. i'm amazed, surprised, shocked. Prayers must have been said by someone out there for me. Whoever this person is, THANK GOD for your existance and your prayers.
Joy, you fill my heart with it. I don't know when i will fall again, but i do pray i will never ever fall again. This is from the devil, i fall for it, but someone pull me up again. God uses you* to do that, in actual fact he is actually pulling me up. and so now, the gate is closed. locked. padlocked. double padlocked.
I am truly truly amazed. It was just one sms. Thanks Felicia.