i don't know what's up with me recently. getting upset, angry, frustrated at the slightest thing and recollecting all the past memories. it ain't good. but i can't seem to control the emotions this time round. it's really tough living on this surface. it's really tough to be who i want to be.
freedom of speech you claim in our society. but is there really freedom of speech? i beg to differ. how many times when we are being accuse of what we have not done, we keep quiet? (not all but some or maybe most) we thought keeping quiet is the best way to avoid conflict. is that the case? i have been keeping quiet for the past 18years, which obviously isn't good at all. its extremely unhealthy. and i think, should i continue keeping quiet? i don't think many people know who i am really, but is that because i kept quiet, or people can't be bothered? i question myself, am i a good friend? am i a good daughter? am i a good sister? but chasing after all these, i will ask myself what for? i know clearly my final destination and recognition is not here, but i'm still after it. i must be out of my mind. but, i realise, i really need some of this to continue to spur me towards some goals. paroxysm, maybe.
i'm beginning to hate this world and hate myself so much so i get angry with myself at times. but many of times, the answers are laid right before my eyes but i ignore it. why? because i am afterall, a human being. i've ignored God very much this whole week. that's why i've been getting wire placed at the wrong place up there. i think and feel i am actually a very dangerous person to be with. i fear the day when i can no longer take all this anger and hatred, i will pick up a knife and start chopping someone alive. it aint funny, because you never know what an angry person might do.
sure enough, by typing all these out, i hope someone out there, with a hint from up above, will come and talk to me about this life. will quote the bible verses and encourage me. to make me back to who i was before this week. or maybe, this then is the real me? i've actually typed out lots of my anger, frustrations and hatred and posted it. but i thought it was highly unnecessary. just because i am down and angry and upset, doesnt mean i have to bring others down with me right? typing this out shows i am really lost and lonely. i need someone who having no other motives, just purely there to encourage me and be there for me. i would most probably reject your kind offer, thinking that no one is really willing to be there for me. so this entry is pretty much redundant. but keep me in your prayers, that i will not succumb to the devil's flawless plan against me.
i want to fight the good fight and run the good race and keep my faith. but i need someone to stir up love and good deeds in me now because i am in need. are you the one to stop the re-emerge of the devil in me?
this will probably be one of my last entries here. until the day i receive convictions and revelations of what God has for me, until the day i'm back to myself, i will not want to harm/hurt anyone with my blog. i want this blog to give only good memories. so, goodbye.