ever wonder why you started blogging? i started blogging in the midst of my sec4 prelims. probably started it because everyone was doing it. the blogging "passion" kindda died down until i got a "new" life i would say. i have so much to share with people of the goodness god have instilled in my life. i want to share my joy, my blessing with people. letting people know that in this cruel world, in this world filled with uncertainties, there's still love, joy and peace present. i so want to let people know that there're people who are REAL.
buts, i fell for the devil's trap again and again. and thus, my blog turn out to be "auntie agony". i believe if i were to let my friends know i'm troubled and stuff, they will definitely stick with me through thick and thin. but i dont want to trouble any of them. and so, i turn to my blog. read corrin's blog and she said how come despite my busy schedule i still blog. because i got so tired i needed an outlet to let go. but apparently it failed. and it failed terribly. which explains why i blog again and again regarding the SAME problem. call me childish or something.
i believe though i've climbed high. not really high but much higher then when i first started, i fallen a great distance. through my unwillingness to depend on God. i "claim" i depend on him which in actual fact i did not. for if i did, i would have the peace at heart. how can a person's life be ever smooth sailing. its impossible! i've plainly wiped God out of my world for this period of time. i cannot continue lying to myself that i din wipe Him out. because if i din, i wouldnt be in this pit will i?
its a simple logic that i never remember. that i always forget. i just plainly took for granted the good times i have. i blame everyone, every situation but never myself for what i am in. if i hadnt allow this emotion in me to grow, i probably be out of it like ages ago. so what's wrong here? i tell you the answer, its ME!!! i've been having the best life anyone could have. maybe not anyone could have. but i'm indeed having a good life. i just never appreciate it.
how can eternal peace ever leave me?! in fact it didnt. i did! i never did learn the art of letting go. sighs. HUMANS. there's so many people out there suffering a worse fate then i am. why am i whine-ing, complaining. why cant i take things in my stride. pride? ego? whatever it is. i'm tired of living a life so tiring. i want to let go. teach me how to.
i'm sorry for not placing my trust in you. i'm sorry for causing the ache. i'm sorry for not being a good daughter. i'm sorry for all that i've done.