my trip home today was alone. after like 3 weeks, its like my first time reminising the past. i thought of so many things. things that i regret doing, things that i regret not doing. people whom i've neglected and lost, people whom stood by me but was never appreciated by me. the problems that come one after another. the joy someone manage to always give when we meet. people whom i never get to say my last words to.
i realise that after so long i've come, there's really no one on the surface of the earth to call my own. well, i'm not talking about getting a bf, but just someone to rely on. haha. perhaps i feel this way because i dont exactly have a close friend in poly. especially at this point of time when i'm actually studying in sentosa. arRgGg. i cant believe i'm still harping on the same thing- sentosa.
read christine's blog and she posted this article about singapore tourism academy training middle management people to handle the IR and we are somewhat valued? haha. but, i dont exactly want to work in the IR. i still very much want to do my SIP oversea. perhaps i really aint cut out for the singapore culture. i wouldnt mind going to vietnam. but europe would definitely be my first choice.
BeSc have been really good i suppose. we learnt about corporate politics, and the world seem really really scary. i guess, that's why people grow older and have a more ambitious heart. wanting everything. because sometime in the past, someone started all these nonsense.
maybe appreciating someone's work, someone's help, someone's presence is important. maybe being nice is really tough. maybe afterall, i've yet to gain that sort of knowledge. you know, i wonder and ask myself, what am i cut out for. what is the ultimate route to take? is it really entering this industry? as i think back and commented on how fake the people are in cmm (not all but most) i actually think people in my industry will be fake too. putting on a smile when you dont even want to. is it consider a sincere smile? i remember how hard dee tried to explain to me that in this world, it isnt just the black and white area(which i strongly believe in and some sort still believing) there is also the grey area. as i continue my pursue of studies, the grey area seem really clearer to me now. so am i naive to be still believing in the only existence of the black and white area?
when all i want is simplicity in life, but things just get complicated. are humans really selfish, or is it the influence? God's amazing love, how can it be? on me?!
i feel as if i lost myself in this maze up in my head. i want and so yearn for the past to come back alive once again. i probably treasure it more. but then again, if i'm back to the past, will i have this thinking of treasuring it? probably not. people often say, happy also live, sad also live, so why not choose to be happy? this will probably be easy if humans dont think so much.
dear lord, your amazing love still amazes me. even until now, when i feel as if i'm losing myself, your everyday encouragement is the thing that motivates me to live through the day. what can i say? but you're just great. i probably just need sometime to clear my train of thoughts. but this i promise to never ever want to leave you. for leaving you equals to the disappearance of me. lord, i do believe i am not the only one who is lost, so wont you just use your followers to be your light to the lost. they are the ones who are obedient to you. they are the one whose passion is on raging fire now. let nothing discourage, let nothing distract, but let everything be smooth sailing. be it in experiencing your true love or the blessing and mercy you shower upon me, and everyone. i lift your name up high in the most precious name jesus christ. Amen.