archery is FUN today. although my score isnt very good. i'm making improvement bit by bit. hopefully by aug i'm at my top performance time. all sorts of trainings are tough. dragon boat, soccer, canoe polo, archery and etc. but, its tough-ness is different. as long as you put your heart into training, into wanting to do well, you will ultimately, do well. no doubt i'm not that good yet, but i'm putting my heart and effort into doing it.
i started archery for the sake of getting seal points and get myself a cca. since pri sch i was never really into a sports cca, except for swimming. i very much wanted to join track and field when i was in pri6. the teachers were looking for me and hoping that i will represent the sch in this track meet. but, my parents disagree to the idea. they feel that in all things, studies is more important.
my activities from there on, its really things like choir, entrepreneur club, prefectorial board. i was at my peak in secondary school. i enjoy every bit of my leadership roles. though my commitment was time consuming, but i was feeling happy. i know i'm not academically inclined, that's why i place my focus on things that i can at least excel for once. i felt happy with my achievements. my achievements was my hard work. everyone was impressed with my list of achievements. everyone was pleased. everyone except my parents.
i attend tuition after tuition. but not making any improvements. do you think i like it? of not achieving the simple things my sis was able to achieve so easily? NO! i wanted so much to please my parents that i work so hard. but they never once witness my hard work. my sec4 life was busy busy busy. busy studying. i stayed back in sch to ask teachers. i stayed up late to study. i do all these because i know that i'm not academically inclined. i worked hard because i know, one day my hard work will pay off.
i took my O levels. i wasnt pleased with my results. because i'm not eligible to go into jc. i went to a poly and took up a course which wasnt exactly what i want. i'm taking this course because my aunt, my parents all say i'm suited. so during my long holidays, i worked. i had so much difficulties trying to not work at night. because i know my parents will worry. but the industry that i will be going wont be giving me the luxury of working hours like office workers. i'm into service. if its not because God was working within my manager and myself, i probably wont be able to secure my job for so long.
into poly life. i wanted to join wakeboarding. but my mum was not in favour for it. she said its a watersport and its dangerous. but, i learnt swimming remember? in order not to make her unhappy, i din join. i was cca-less for the first 2 sem. i place my focus on my studies. wanting so hard to do well. because i was planning to take up a degree course too. but this time round, my parents complain that i am not spending enough time with them. when actually my projects are piling up so high that its killing me. not only me, but my classmates too. when i had to stay over at my friend's place to complete the project, i was being accused of not managing my time well. but do you know the difficulties, the constrains i had to go through? i'm no longer in pri/sec sch where project is so easy already. i'm in poly where hands on stuff is so important.
and when all these has taken a toil in me. the misunderstanding of the circumstance i'm in has to come. when i fell ill, i am already feeling horrible. i'm drained practically emotionally and physically. i'm being accused of not looking after myself well. but, do you think i enjoy being sick? getting gastric, because i did not eat. do you think i really dont want to eat? take a look at my schedule, its craziness, i cant find time to eat. of cause i do get biscuts and munch. but the gastric just come. i cant do anything already can i?
then, finally i found something that i like. something that isnt so taxing to my body. i know i'm weak. that's why i took this sport up. archery. it trains up your concentration, your mental strength. it even helps my posture.
sigh. i know and am aware that my dressing is really kindda boyish, as in, always jeans/3/4/bermudas and t-shirts. you know, i see the beautiful clothes i like it. but dressing up till like that, to me, i dont find a necessity. i'm me. amanda heng. i dress for comfort, not for show. i want to do things that pleases me. that can satisfy myself. doing sports doesnt make me any more guy. achieving leadership roles, doesnt make me any more guy. i dont want to live a life where i'm always doing all the things that are what a girl should do. like say, play doll(it's just an example). you know, deep inside me. i know very well, i'm GOD'S DAUGHTER. i enjoy this privilege of being a girl. but i dont want to dress up what the world expects. i dont want to live a life what the world expects. i want to be me. amanda heng. God's child. that's all.
i can never please you enough. i know i'm not perfect. but can you feel that i'm doing alot of things to please you and hope that i won't disappoint you? it looks like nothing can please you enough unless i live the way you expect.
this is not an entry that shows my unhappiness. i just want and hope you understand, i too want to live a life to fufil me in some sense. i want to be God's co-author of the book AMANDA HENG. won't you let me do the things that i like? wont you let me dress the way i want? wont you let me be more relax in my lifestyle?
you know, i so very much want to be healthy. i so very much want to spend more time with you. but, its really not within my control anymore. time management? how to when my timetable is in this manner? i know you love me. i love you too. i know you care for me. i care for you and myself too. but really, we both got to learn and understand that there's are somethings that is really beyond the control of human beings.
i love you. i love God. i love archery. i love how i am now.