i'm supposed to be doing my marketing proposal now. ok. sucky. no work is fun. the fun i had was to procrastinate which i happily land myself in this situation of almost breaking down. before i go into much details, choose, the sad part first or the happy part or the thanking part? ah. we will go in this sequence. sad, happy, thanking. yayness(trying very hard to act bimbotic)
alright, life has not been good. i'm always seeing my group mates (not that i dont like them, but for now seeing them means work to be done) i'm always stress about the work to be done, but yet procrastinate. God knows why, not me. and i took for granted for so many things. i just suddenly realise i can't depend on anyone. some reality that hit me real hard. wait wait wait. as in the context of such work now, we all have to depend on ourselves. hmm. did i explain any better? ah. whatever. i feel extremely drained out, extremely exhausted. totally not interested in what is ahead of me anymore. and no no no. project ain't moving along fine, and i'm stress. deadline is on fri. i need to hang on until at least fri, before i have a day or 2 break and start work again. i'm at this point of hanging myself, banging my head or whatever. *(hey, i realise i internalise my hurt.) and guess what, all this worldly stuffs (projects that is) is sucking me away from God. or is it the other reason, i ignore him. i think its the latter. let's not try to kid anyone here by blaming on the projects. because ultimately it was my choice. sigh. i do feel inferior at times, like my work and stuffs. i'm not smart, that's why i have to work at least 10times harder then anyone to achieve an average grade. arRrgGg. sucky sucky sucky. everything that got to do with work sucks. like totally (another bimbotic language, i should be succeeding soon) and you know, i haven't been able to handle my emotions well lately. like just flare out of the blue, get all sad and upset. yucks. even i hate myself now. wallowing in self-pity. wake up amanda heng! i seem like some psychotic person. talking to myself seems fun. i ask question and answer it myself. wow. so fun. [on a serious note, i really am that lost to be able to talk like this. this isnt me is it? i'm scared, really. i fear so many things. the uncertainties, the people, i definitely fear losing. not in a competition of any sort, but losing people important in my life. project is sucking me away, because it takes up all my energy, therefore time too. tell me what. tell me how. sighs]
yay yay yay. we're gonna touch on the happy topic. i'm so happy because i met sam and corrin on wednesday (to me it's still today) i'm so happy because i got to know ng shang wei and he's the most handsome little baby. he's my godbro(self-claim) i'm so happy because i er i er nothing else already. let's go to the thanking part. hahaha. yeah. exciting. (so exciting. so exciting.)
MSG- although its a short period of like at most 9 to 10mths, you've been an important source of my life. my support on earth given by God.
Potatoes- you all kept me going even though i was tired. because i was given the responsibility doesnt mean much. but because you all show me the heart after God.
Josh-you're the best bro i could ever have. there to encourage me, hear me whine, make me laugh, make me smile. i probably won't be as sane as how i am now without you.
Xian-my sunday breakfast buddy? talking nonsense and all. giving each other those little encouragement at times. and of course, helping me edit my video. =D
Qing- you're the best co-leader i could ever have. the one that is saner then anyone else in Potato. thanks for sharing with me so many things and just be there to offer a helping hand, a listening ear and whatever rubbish. you make my life alot easier at times you know. =D
Choy-thanks for the little encouragement you give when you know something is off. thank you for entertaining me.
Corrin- thanks for the wonderful friendship that we have and is still having. the past 3 years have been the greatest. stay happy.
Samson-those little small gesture, from initiating to meet when you know i'm going back to tp, to helping me with my project presentation to just listen to me talk nonsense and whine. thanks bro. =)
Edwin-thanks for all the stupid things we're always doing. it's always fun slacking around with you. we have such great laid back life.
Dee and Fer- thanks for making my poly life worthwhile so far.
Xiu, Kaili, Mel, Boon- the makan session, our so called project meeting, the rushing of project together, the camps over, the marathon online, the plan to study together overseas, the trip to ikea, the taxi ride, the bitching session and all. thanks for making it the most memorable project work group for me. the nonsense we do together. you all made my poly life in TAS alot brighter. wo yao feng tiao le!!!!
Gladys- you make archery training so much more fun and exciting. with the chat sessions we have, to the makan sessions at times to shooting and training. woah. thanks.
zhon, edlyn, cherie, jac- wohwoh rocks my life. you all are the difference in my life. filling my life up with so much more happiness. worshipping, praying, out playing. nothing can make me forget these beautiful memories and of course soaking together in His presence. thanks for everything. even the smiles. i love you all.
lee- my twin!!! you whine and whine and whine and i just so hate it. but you teach me so many things. you teach me how to whine! haha. nah. you added much colour and life to my life. am i making sense? haha. i totally enjoy the chatting session on the phone and i do miss it. really. you taught to me trust when i lack of it. you taught me to pray when i forgot. thanks lee. the difference you made in my life is.. almost beyond description. and i do love you my friend.
feli- we can go back in history together and talk about my mickey mouse belt. but let's just drop it. knowing you all over again is quite tiring. but nevertheless, a route i never regretted. you taught me faith in the Lord, you taught me how to depend on Him when i'm weak, you taught me of just staying still. you made life very much interesting for me. i can never be sane with you because you drive me mad with all your stupid actions and songs(gerry taught you that right). but you're the reason why i can be happy when i'm always down. perhaps you dont know, but i think you're the bestest friend anyone can ever have. though you may seem all fierce and stuff, but actually, you're the nicest person ever. you re-assure me in many ways you can never imagine and this thank you msg will never be enough you know? though we seldom talk, but that occassional tag, occassional chat is enough already. thank you once again for this wonderful experience i have embarked. you and wohwoh means alot to me. i love you feli. thanks again for everything.
tiffany-ah. words cannot describe. haha. you're great! let's stop communicating online and meet real soon. its always fun catching up with you because i can disturb you like nobody's business. yay! =)
ok larx. that's all i can think of. don't complain if your name is not there for you know you still mean something to me. dont complain if my thank you msg is short because i just got mental block. dont blame me if its long, because i just got so many things to write. nevertheless, you all mean the world to me. i mean it. especially wohwoh, msg and potato. oh i forgot.
God, Jesus, Holy Spirit- i've run, i've hide, i've hurt you but you still remain there. i dont know what to do, i dont know where to go. i'm ignoring you isnt it. i'm sorry. i really want to spend time with you. my life is falling apart. but no, you're not gonna let that happen right?teach me time management, give me the wisdom to handle my work and stress level. i want to spend more time with you. tell me, send me a sign. i want to live like that, the Joy of the Lord is my strength. it is right. it is right. tell me it is true. i want back the peace and joy in my heart. i dont want to be separated from you. i want to be stuck like glue to you. teach me lord. i want to give you my all. and i want to say again, Lord i'm sorry. give me time, give me strength and give me faith.
ok. i gonna have another serving of my iron buddha tea(tie guan yin) and of course do my work. let's pray that my SWOT can finish by 4. then i can start on marketing mix and all. thanks for all the prayers and encouragement. i'm feeling so much better after this entry and short chat i had with God earlier on. ah. i feel so much better. =)