lying on my bed i see my room spinning. and i wonder why am i so tired, so drained. and i realised a lot of times, i care too much. ______________________
i finally went for archery training and it feels good shooting once again. really. however it takes a lot of determination to get myself out of the house. if not for the library books that are dued today, i probably would opt to sleep in, instead of going training after a 2hrs sleep. someone shoot me please. knowing i have to wake up 7+ in the morning, i actually only slept at 5+ in the morning. i was turning and tossing and i couldnt put my finger on any reason why i cant sleep. coach however injured himself, and it seems like its quite serious, so i might not have training this sat. *shrugs*
do you sometimes find yourself caring too much for the people around you? so much so, you become so naggy yadayada. haha. i cant helped but feel like these now. i do admit, i'm very very protective towards people close to me, and i tend to expect one to return this kind of accountability to me. like you know, letting me know what's bothering you and not keep it within yourself and make me guess. i can guess once, twice, thrice. but if its happening all the time, its tiring. tell me which do you prefer, me knowing that you're down upset and what not and choose to ignore that emotion? OR me knowing that you're down upset and what not and tries to find out why so i can cheer you up? i dont know. but i'm just so tired of guessing whatever is going through in your mind. you always choose to avoid my question by changing subject. what can i do? pray. yeah, you're telling me about praying now? you have never once been left out from my prayer list. all i ask of you is to share with me your troubles. i dont assure you that i can give good advice, neither can i cheer you up. but i assure you, my ears and shoulders are for you. my friends, i'll never stop caring for you. dont tell me to not bother you, because the fact is your trouble and sadness is bothering me ALOT. i'm tired of guessing, but i won't stop caring.
sometimes, i find it so tough being a nice person. my greatest weakness is not knowing how to say No, that perhaps can also be my greatest strength? i want to be nice, because i dont like people not being nice. i dont ask for anything in return. or maybe asking you to let me know your troubles and sadness or what not is asking too much already. i don't know. all i know is, if i ever did say "i love you my friend" you can be sure that you do mean a lot to me. and when you mean a lot to me, i'll definitely share your burden with you. not with my own strength, but also with His strength.
so, talk, only when you've decided not to avoid. ______________________
*edit* i was just thinking and well, perhaps, reflecting, about how i've been faring as a person. you know, i typed out a whole chunk of nonsense yesterday and saved that post as a draft, because apparently whatever i typed out was erm, kind of offensive to a certain extent. eh, no no. no wulgarities[i mean Vulgarities] if you don't know, i detest people using vulgarities. anyhow, yeah, i was judging people, and of course, myself included in the picture.
i believe it won't harm much typing just a tiny bit of it out here. have you noticed how we youngsters are so absorbed in this cyber world? it's probably one of the reason why people have misunderstanding. the worse way to communicate to each other, especially when you need to trash things out or what not is through the net and sms. it totally sucks. trust me. like what i said in the beginning of this entry, i'm tired of guessing. so basically when you chat online, there's a lot of guessing going on. i so prefer a chat on the phone, or you know, meet up to talk and stuffs.
and so, have i been too sensitive to say that you don't appreciate me caring for you, or is it just er.. oh well, it links back to blaming myself. *shrugs* seriously speaking, i dont have a very wide circle of friends, or do i have them? did i mention here that i was watching the truman show with wohwoh on saturday? ok, i think i did. but did i mention to you all, that when i was a kid, i thought i was in a show too. just like the truman show. and that we always cant find the camera and stuffs like that. i think i did mention too. oh well, i'm starting to feel that everyone around me, they are like acting? you know, like do projects together then become so close, then when you have holidays, you dont really remember the existence of another? or like, you go competition together, and work hard together, fostering this new friendship, then after the competition, you go your way, i go my way. i don't know. but quite scary right? maybe this aint a real friendship.
i remember a few entries back, i was talking about loving and caring without asking anything in return? that's agape love right? and like what i said there, i love because i'm loved, i care because i'm cared. i'm loved and cared by God, that's why i have love and care flowing out. or do i not have them flowing out? you know, i seem to be like thrown into this state of confusion and serious, i'm finding a way out. i want to change my lifestyle. but having emotions running high, its quite difficult right. afterall, agape love, its quite hard to achieve. like who on this earth would not expect anything in return. just like my friendship for you, i expect you to tell me what's troubling you. i don't want to be there for you when you're happy only, i want to be there for you when you're down too.
i think i should learn to not ask for ANYTHING in a friendship. probably i might find another kind of friendship then. however, like what i said earlier on, if i ever did tell you "i love you" be sure that you mean ALOT to me. i would probably do anything for you. but that will only happen if you allow me into your world and not avoid me.
i'm actually very tired, so i think i should be sleeping. this entry is probably one of my sadder entries. i'm just tired of guessing already. tired of caring? maybe. someone stop me from not caring anymore.
i still wanna say, you got to open your world to me, before i can give you what i want to give you.