you want to know why our choir is not successful? i got the answer today during the funeral. weird timing, but yeah. for most of us, we got a common goal, to sing well. but we're just so prideful that we refuse to cooperate with each other. want to know why i say our choir best timing was when the second batch and the pioneer batch are together? because we know each other, because we bother to communicate, and because we were a small group. but then later on, as we grow bigger, we lost focus and we're only interested in our own interest. even when her every single nagging and scolding and training sessions were for our own good, but we just dont see it. i was feeling the worse kind of feeling today. being angry and upset. because at the very end, even though we all had the same goal(which i think we had) to perform our very last performance for her, we had lots of division. sigh. i admit that i'm expecting too much already. but i'm just feeling extremely sad and disappointed.
it's the final journey today, the last goodbye. i cant help feeling extremely heavy. yeah, it was good to see many people who i havent seen for months, some even years. those brought a smile to my face. but then deep inside, we all know it was really the wrong kind of event. i know we din sing well today. its pretty obvious. but i'm really happy that we wanted to sing for her the last time. its the heart you know. sigh. as they carry the coffin, as we walk, i find my footsteps getting heavier. i was obviously walking very slowly. many of times, i find myself about to just fall to the ground. was it the hurt?
in actual fact, when i was witnessing the procession, when i was walking, i was questioning myself so much. i was obviously in my own world already. thought perhaps its a very very bad dream. or i dont know. it doesnt seem like its real. or maybe i was hurting so much that i feel numb. do i have to cry to show that i've let go? or have i let it go already? i know i definitely have to collect back all my emotions and pack it. because i have so much commitment in the next few days, which i cant escape. if i do, i'm really irresponsible eh? ___________________________________________________________________
this will be dedicated to her***.
i remember the time you audition me for choir. i remember during the first few prac where kelvin and me just stuck like glue together and were talking non-stop. i remember the songs that we sing, and the weird terms you use to describe our voice and all to us. by now, its no longer weird. i remember how you always get so upset with us when we take forever to settle down. i remember how you always scold us for talking non-stop. i remember the time you tease me with him. i remember how you always love to talk to us. how you always tell us jokes out of the blue. i remember the time when we were in perth, when mr lee din allow us to talk, but you kept us in the prac room so we can talk. i remember how we all refuse to go back to the hotel with mr lee but chose to stay out walking in the quiet streets in perth. i remember us standing infront of this violinist and end up singing along with him. i remember the performance we had in perth with you always encouraging us and just playing with us. i remember how you took great care of us. i remember how you force a group of us to go braddell height cc for choir prac. i remember how we were involved in the performance just after one prac. i remember how we were talking about how beautiful you are that day. i remember us telling you how jealous we were that you got flowers but we dont. i remember the time when you gave me the job of planning choir outing. i remember we went haw par villa, snow city, orchid and fish farm and night safari. i remember how we went to buy nasi lemak for the choir also. i remember the hardwork we all have to make every single performance work. i remember how you entrusted me to the choir once when you had something on. i remember how you felt that i have the potential to lead. i remember how you recommend me to ms chong to perform for friendship day. i remember how you tease me about wang tao, just because we both have the same surname. i remember how we collaborate to tease some of the other choir members. i remember your scoldings. i remember your naggings.
there's just so much memory i share with you. and i thank you for the chance you given me to lead. i thank you for accepting me as who i am. i thank you for understanding me and letting me be involved in other activities too despite the required commitments i have to sacrifice in choir for it. i thank you for allowing me to achieve more then i can ever think. i thank you for giving me all those awards. i thank you for giving me chinese lesson once because we missed it due to choir. i thank you for your naggings that is always filled with care and concern and love. i thank you for not forgetting me even when you were so sick then. i thank you for the rides home you offered every now and then. i thank you for the conversation we had. and i thank you for you.
sigh.. it's just so hard to let go. but i believe its also a relieve from pain for you.
my heart just ache. i'm just so tired.
mdm ong, thank you! amanda misses and loves you very much....