actually the previous entry was my cry out that i really am desperate for a placement. and no, i'm definitely am feeling happy for my friend. in any case, they called me after i posted that entry. haha. was wondering, perhaps it was the work of His hands. because i was reminded of ps55:22 and the next thing i know, they called. hmmm. i'm up against a lot of tough competitors and i seriously dont think with my capability i can take up that placement. but i'm gonna lift it up to God. because i know i can only be a victor because He is in me. amen ya? (:
however, i cant help still feeling a little down and all. its like, i dont know. i'm trying hard to keep my focus on Him. but things around me is causing me to drift like some wooden plank in the open sea. the feeling of being lost and all. it sucks. and what happened yesterday sure wasnt something that help made my day in any way. because that made me thought of who i am to you. the sudden feeling of insecurities and all are flooding my thoughts in every aspect.
perhaps i havent been seeking Him enough to understand truly what i am going through. but its tough sometimes to look at this world, at this life, from His perspective. hah. perspective, reminds me of my school work. we are studying on human behavior, and its actually quite scary how we can label all these so called common sense into something we all study. maybe you think its about human behavior, shouldnt be too tough. but you're wrong. so many definitions and terms. driving me nuts. sigh.
deadlines all drawing nearer and nearer. and we're still taking it easy. hah. so weird, how i always complain that my group is always taking it easy when we're panicking. we just dont know where to start. i guess, we got pretty dry of this life of having break, sch re-opening and chiong-ing all the projects. what's worse? making new friends all over again. thank God it isnt as tough this time round. perhaps because i have a small group of friends in the class to start with.
all in all, i'm still very much stucked at thinking about my future and my internship most importantly. i need prayers to cast the devil out of my thoughts and to face the new chapter of life ahead with His perspective. -
seriously speaking, i dont think anyone understand what i'm feeling and going through now larx. well, beside those who are in my shoes too. you know who you are. haha. anyway, i was talking to my friend one day about the poly life and jc life. the differences and how we grew up differently. and poly is really about independent learning. that's why we always feel like killing our lecturers when we're studying and realise there's so many things that they din teach. but in any case. pretty much brought up in the culture and so, we always seek to rectify the problem and all, and perhaps dont take failures too badly. in fact taking failures as something we can learn from ya. but you know what? this time round, its different.
its like, sigh. you know, no matter how you can face failures well, or handle them well. when you get rejected, you will still have the great sense of sadness disappointment and all. and like what i've said, i feel as if my hopes and aspirations and dreams are all crushed in the hands of society. and i just start to think, how am i going to survive in the adult world where human politics are the greatest issue you got to deal with? i dont know. i seriously dont know. you know its really situations like that, that really test my faith in God. i think i've taken the issues upon myself and ignored Him in some ways. but you know what? i'm really desperate one. i dont know what to do. i dont know who to turn to. i dont even know who understands me. and i just feel alone in this cold world.
perhaps you say i can talk to my parents, my sister, my friends and all. but you know, all the comments and perhaps word of advice are all from their point of view. their point of view where they've never been in my shoes. sigh. i mean, i know whatever things they say, the harsh stuffs and all, they're all for my own good. but did they truly understand what i;m going through and give advice that will really relate to me? found no one who could do that yet. sigh.
tomorrow will be a better day. i have enough talking about the world.