it's been like 20days since i last updated? haha. just came back from China not too long ago, and i'm having withdrawal symptoms. well, i just feel good there? i dont know. but God just revealed so much of himself to me. and i can never thank Him enough for His grace and faithfulness He showered to the team and me. yes indeed, His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is shown through our weaknesses. there has been so much sharing done among the different teams, how xiamen was having so much material comfort, how the thai trippers plan was changed because of an accident, but that was when God worked. God has never stopped working, or shifted His concentration elsewhere. He was ALWAYS among the 3 teams, blessing them and revealing himself to them through the different ways. He's indeed good.
i have to admit, i'm probably the biggest oxymoronic believer previously. i TRIED to be good and all. but it was just so tiring relying on one's own strength. you get the idea? It's TIRING being nice to everyone around you. cause, as humans, we are sometimes wired to think of our ownselves first. its easy to love the people whom you like, but its so hard to love the people whom you hate. and guess what? we're told to love our enemies. dont cheat yourself and say you have no enemies, there are definitely bound to have some people who gets on your nerves, and yeah, they can be considered your enemies. i seriously experienced that in China on the train. it's just so impossible to love those people. i got irritated and all. and then i realise, i'm not supposed to love them with my own love. it's limited! it's His love that is limitless, and that's why when we use His love to love them, we're able to love.
in any case, there's no doubt that He's real, cause if He is not real, i wouldnt be sitting here typing this out. it's impossible, for someone who's well, kind of "handicapped" to be trekking up with a backpack. well, one of the guy there carried my bigger and heavier bag, but it was still impossible for ME to carry that little bag on my own and trek for 6hrs plus. its MADNESS. in singapore, carrying my own bag and walk for 1hr is already a killer. i tell you, if not for Him, my back would have broken long time ago in the trip. but He showed me who was in-charge. when i've given up hope and even question, why in the world did i choose to come, He showed me the beauty of His creation, He burden me with His heart cry.
how oh how, can i reject loving someone who has loved me more then anyone could? its no longer about what i can do, but whether i'm keeping myself free to fo His work and follow His instruction. it was never about how much talents we have, but how much He can use me. i've been living in a lie i never did realised. i THOUGHT i was a good christian, i THOUGHT i was a good leader, and i THOUGHT that in a friendship all i need to do is wait for the person to find me. but i was wrong wrong wrong. i was NEVER a good christian, i was NEVER a good leader, and i was most definitely NOT A GOOD FRIEND. no, i'm not putting myself down. i'm stating facts here, the struggles i faced, that i refused to acknowledge. i guess, its an ego thing? but i know for sure, all of these will change, because He's is changing me. even right at this very moment!
one period of time, or rather, a very long period of time, i totally lost the passion to pray. i was just kidding myself that i'm still ok to pray. but i was so spiritually dry and stagnant and everything. QT was slip-shot, prayer was slip-shot. but you know what, i rediscover that passion to pray once again. its such a JOY to be talking to the most high, its such a joy serving the most high. joy joy joy. haha. so hard to describe.
you know, i've always wanted to be like the nicest person on earth to everyone. be everyone's best friend and all. but you know what, in the process of it, i'm just trying too hard. too hard that it actually backfires. i can never be everyone's best friend, cause firstly, i didnt know how to love. secondly, i never once put in the effort to maintain a friendship, to communicate, to try to understand the needs of the people. thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, i never really lift my friends up to Him, that He is in control of my friendships, not me. haha. so what if i'm not your bestest friend? it still affects me a little, but i'm grounded by His word. and i definitely know my identity in Him.
you know, there's so much more insights to share about this trip, but it will be a never ending entry. gonna keep this memory, wonderful experience in my head and heart. that i will remember the village kids. even if i dont know how they look like anymore, at least i know the existence of them. and He knows all of them by name. haha. how great and wonderful is He?
available yourself to Him, and He will show you His wonderful works. (: