for once, in the past 3 weeks, i'm home at 4pm. amazing isn't it? well.. i DID NOT run away from work. i so called took "half-day" leave to go for my physio. have to pay back next wed with my executive. oh well, its a new learning journey. at least i'm not staying back trying to buy time, but instead learning something new, something different.
i'm feeling more scared as the week passes. cause, i'm kinda talking a lot to this department of people whose language are really flowery, and i don't like it. but i always end up laughing, cause their tone is funny. ahhhhh. and the jokes that they are saying, its.. sigh. i mean, do i walk away just like that or what? because walking away is really rude. i know i have to make a stand, but i chose the easy way out, and that is keeping silent. perhaps i should mix with the other colleagues, or even my own department people. nonono, i dont want to be a person with 2 face, i want to serve God both in church and at work!!! oh Lord, i need your help.
ahhh. why choose the easy way out?!
today, i dont even feel like i did work. basically the last 2 hr at work was just TRYING to find things to do. i mean.. i have work to do!! but its calling up our clients, and i dont want to call halfway. aiya. ok, i'm giving myself excuses. oh man.. oh God, what am i to do? i feel lost, and i thought everything was ok. but today's lunch just brought me over to another league of thoughts.
and.. my executives and manager dont always smile, and when they talk and laugh, its always among themselves. sometimes i dont know do they recognise me as part of them. and sometimes, the work i do, i dont know am i doing it right. there's always this fear that i will do something wrong. moreover, the department, just one small tiny little mistake, it will cost the company money. sometimes, when i leave and say bye, i dont even see a smile on their face. ahhhhhh. am i being affected by how people view me?
i'm feeling insecure.. cause i got no one to turn to. i dont know anyone WELL. all are just superficial relationships. how on one hand its as if you are fine with this person, but at the back, its a different story. its scary! sigh. ahhhhh. i feel tired already, and i'm gonna start dreading work. i want to go back to study!!!!
ok, look. the company i'm working for, they are seriously quite nice larx. all that i'm saying here are the things i am affected by. but seriously, i love my company for what they do. and not all my colleagues are using flowery language and say jokes that are... ya. it's basically voicing out my thoughts larx.
this morning i was listening on the radio this prayer by pastor janice. its a radio station from batam. anyway, she was praying that God give us the heart of His desire for every situation, and everything. so that we can see the work of His hands and stuffs like that. cant remember exactly, cause i was looking at the reservior.. =/ and later on, my dad commented that it is indeed very true. we need to pray such a prayer, cause we dont always understand His plans. in fact, His plans are beyond our intellect.
anyway, i'm getting quite frustrated that i cant post my e-journal on ole also. after going to e-journals and liaison officer, there's nothing else for me to click already except the liaison officer's email add. i emailed mine, and he told me to check. emailed him back again telling him i still cant and there's no reply. tomorrow is the deadline already.. HOW?!?!?! sigh...
internship aside. i'm feeling frustrated over little things too. over you especially. but i give up already larx. you happy then so be it. cause when concern is being voiced out by me, it normally falls on deaf ears. so, save my effort larx. but am i being a good friend? i dont know. you tell me, am i a good friend to you. lets put it differently, am i a good friend in general? haha. talk about insecurity. i shouldnt even be seeking security from all these.
sigh. i'm having conflict in my thoughts. on one hand, i want time to pass faster, so i can finish my internship and diploma and move on to the next stage. but on the other, i want time to be slower, because i dont know what's going to happen for the next stage. yes yes yes and yes. i've been thinking and perhaps prayed about it once awhile about my future. and i'm pretty much stucked at studying for a degree and nothing else. until now, its still very much still revolving round marketing but definitely not sales. hahaha. i'm sorry, i cant find the passion in this. maybe doing events like conventions, this kind of sales, i dont mind. but what i'm doing, for now, its a definite no. perhaps as time passes, and i get more exposed to sales in this aspect, i MIGHT consider sales. but for now, its still very much on doing events and advertising. you know, like conceptualising a plan and executing it.
going for IDP in 2weeks time. gonna register on the spot. then from there on, we'll just.. wait(taste) and see, that the Lord is good.
ahhhh. another thing, i feel so suffocated, i dont have my own personal time, which i used to have a lot last time. to just reflect and to just rest and relax and BE MYSELF. well, not that i'm not being myself, but i dont know. its really like what corrin says in her blog. one day, 24hrs. 10hrs at work. 2hours to travel to work and bathe. erm.. actually 2.5hrs larx, to be safer. i definitely need 8hrs rest or i'll just collaspe. that's like 20.5hrs gone. 1hr on dinner. that's like 21.5hrs gone. which means i'm left with another 2.5hrs. oh ya, bathe and wash up when i get back home, probably another 0.5hr. which means another 2hrs, talk to my parents and watch tv actually. ahhhhh.. this is not life!!! i basically spend 12.5 to nearly 13hrs on things related to WORK!! that's more then half the day, half my life. where am i placing God too? sigh.. it calls for time management? i think it calls for time REVAMP for me man.
and you know, it makes working even more tiring when everytime you're on ur desk you feel stress just by the presence on your colleague. because that's really what i am feeling.
ok larx. i'm done whining on my part. if you manage to read till here, i guess you're really concern about me. cause there's nothing amusing here, nor is there anything gossipy. so, thanks for the concern. (:
your prayer is highly appreciated. ____________________________________________________________________
I never knew the dusk could break my heart So much longing folding in I'd give years away to have you here To know I can't lose you again..